When “How Can I Support You?” is hard to answer

“How can I support you?” This is a question I struggled with during my first rodeo with cancer, and I find myself struggling with it again this time. I’ve been in support groups for cancer patients, and this topic comes up often in our discussions. I think it’s especially hard for me because I’m not the type of person who asks for help easily. I really don't like feeling like an imposition. Granted, I have gotten better at this over the years—but believe me, if I ask you for something, it is truly what I need.

I also don't always know what is within your capacity to offer. After my hysterectomy, I asked a friend to come visit me. She told me she did not like being around sick people. Hmm. That stung, for sure. In my support group, we sometimes joke about far-fetched ideas. Three of my favorites: buy me a million-dollar home where I can recover, hire a full-time nurse, or make this cancer disappear.


Truth be told, it takes more bandwidth for me to come up with ideas for you. I already have a lot on my plate these days: work, travel, home responsibilities, what feels like a zillion medical appointments, and figuring out my coping strategies for dealing with all of this. In the midst of it all, I try to make space for self-care—working out, reading novels, resting, and spending quality time with my husband and my dog. Reading has been my favorite escape since I got diagnosed.


So here’s how you can support me: stop asking and just show up in whatever way you can. Surprise me with something that fits within your capacity. Here are some things people have done for me since the tumor was discovered:

  • Texted me on the day of my major medical appointments
  • Friends from out of town came to visit me
  • Talked about books with me
  • Sent me an Uber Eats gift certificate
  • Gave me a care package
  • Sent me video or text messages to keep in touch
  • Offered to play an online game with me after surgery.
  • Sent me a handmade blanket
  • Said prayers or sent good vibes into the universe for me

Those were the things people did during my first cancer surgery recovery:

  • Brought over meals
  • Came over to play games with me
  • Came over to give me a pedicure and manicure
  • Came over to make sure I walked around the neighborhood, and happily walked slowly beside me

What I have learned is that support does not have to be perfect, expensive, or grand. It just has to be thoughtful. A simple message, a meal, a visit, a prayer, a game, a walk, or a quiet reminder that I am not alone can mean more than you know. So if you are wondering how to support someone going through cancer, don’t wait for the perfect thing to say or do. Just show up with love, in whatever way you can.

Comments

  1. T WilsonSeptember 29, 2026 at 8:26 AM

    "Stop asking. Surprise me with something that fits within your capacity." I felt ease with this directness... and really enjoyed reading this post. I hope more folks take time to absorb the advice. It doesn't take much to be thoughtful and most people get tripped up on wondering what the perfect thing to do is. I always enjoy getting caught up on your blog and am really glad I did so today. Love you so big.

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